Blithering Bats, It's Halloween, Batman!
by Philippa
Summary: Pure fluff: Alfred volunteers Bruce to be a chaperone at a neighborhood trickortreat outing for Dick’s first Halloween at Wayne Manor.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer** I own nothing! _Nothing!_

**A/N** As promised, faithful reviewers! A piece of fluff that takes place between _Nestling_ and _Dark Horizon_. I hereby proudly present part one of

**Blithering Bats, It's Halloween, Batman!**

Back from taking Miss Angelique Kegalaar, the hottest new singing sensation to hit Gotham's clubs, out to lunch, Bruce nearly tripped over a stuffed black cat that had mysteriously appeared in the side hall. Kicking puss into a corner, he moved on, staring at strings of glow-in-the-dark plastic skulls that dangled from the ceiling and the jack-o-lanterns that rested on every available surface. Pushing through a curtain of black crepe paper into the kitchen, he found Alfred dipping apples into a gooey caramel mixture and carefully wrapping them in waxed paper.

"Good afternoon, sir, did you have a nice time with Miss Kegalaar?"

Bruce snorted. "Are you kidding? The woman is a total…" He paused and selected a descriptor appropriate to the seasons. "Witch. We had a fight in the parking lot, and she slapped me." He touched his cheek gingerly.

"Of course she had no provocation."

"I might have kind of told her she looked like Boris Karloff."

"I see."

"So it must be Halloween or something," Bruce said, changing the subject.

"It is, in fact, the thirty-first of October." Alfred batted away Bruce's hand that was reaching for the caramel bowl. "No germs, these are for the children's party."

"Dick's going to a party?"

"Yes, the neighborhood is having a supervised trick-or-treat, followed by a party at the community center."

"It's funny, but I always forget we have neighbors." In fact, other houses weren't even visible from Wayne Manor, sequestered as it was in its extensive grounds. "It'll be good for him to be with some other kids for a change."

"So I thought, Sir."

"So where am I going?" Bruce asked, certain there was something he'd be required to appear at, although he hadn't foggiest idea what.

"You're going with Dick, sir, as one of the parent chaperones?"

One dark eyebrow quirked upward. "I am?"

"Yes, Master Dick was pleased when I told him. He was a bit nervous about going with a party of strangers."

Bruce mentally compared a children's costume party to one of Gotham society's usual affairs and decided there wasn't much to choose between the two. "Why not? When does this thing start?"

"At six o'clock. Your costume was delivered this afternoon. I put it on your bed."

"My costume," Bruce echoed.

"All of the other chaperones are going to be dressed up, and I didn't think that you would wish to stand out."

"Of course not," Bruce sighed, reluctantly relinquishing the idea of slouching around in jeans and a hoody. "What am I going to be?"

"Ah, Master Dick picked out the costumes, sir. You and he are a matched set."

"Well, if Dick likes it, it can't be too bad. Darth Vader, maybe?"

"Perhaps you'd like to see for yourself, sir."

Bruce shrugged. "Okay." Snatching a caramel apple off the tray, he ambled out of the kitchen.

Alfred kept an eye on the clock. _Three minutes to get up the stairs and into his room, thirty seconds to open the box…_

"Alfreeeeeeeed!" The anguished howl echoed through the august halls of the Manor.

Depositing a wrapped apple in the place of the one Bruce had stolen, Alfred went upstairs. "Yes, Master Wayne?"

Bruce was staring in mingled horror and disbelief at an object that dangled full length from his fingertips. "Alfred, _what_ is this?"

The butler made a show of examining the item. "It appears to be a Batman suit, sir."

It was indeed, complete with a long black cape, a flashy gold belt, and a padded chest sculpted out of foam with a bright gold bat logo in the center.

"It's _spandex_."

"One size fits all," Alfred said brightly.

"If you think for one _nanosecond_ that I am going to…"

Dick bounded into the room, dressed from head to toe in his own Batman suit, plastic cowl clutched in one hand. "Look, Bruce, our costumes match!"

Bruce had to admit that his ward looked adorable, but he couldn't quite think of a comment to make about his own situation.

Dick's face suddenly grew anxious. "Alfred said it would be all right. You know, that people wouldn't think someone who dresses up as Batman would really _be_ Batman."

"Oh, yeah, he's right," Bruce managed. "I mean, this obviously doesn't look like anything the _real_ Batman wears."

Dick looked down at his own costume in satisfaction. "It's still pretty good, though."

Over the boy's bent head, Bruce shot Alfred a poisonous glare and made a violent slashing motion across his throat.

"Did you see the bloody hand we put on the front door?" Dick asked eagerly.

"Not yet," Bruce admitted.

"Come on!" Dick darted out the door. "It's so gross!"

"You're fired, Pennyworth," Bruce hissed as he stalked past his butler. "_Fired_!"

Alfred smirked.

_To Be Continued_

**A/N** This was supposed to be a one-shot, but I have to go to bed. I have student/teacher conferences tomorrow, and for the first time in my life, I'm the teacher! Ack!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** Here's another addition to the fluff. It has, sadly, morphed into a three parter, but I still promise to have it done before Halloween.

To any readers of Dark Horizon: Sorry there isn't a chapter update this week! However, next week's will be double-length – I've written eight pages and need to do about four more.

**Blithering Bats, Its Halloween, Batman!**

**Part Two**

Bruce tried to slouch behind as they walked toward the corner where the trick-or-treaters were supposed to rendezvous, but as they approached the small crowd Dick grabbed a firm hold of his hand. A dozen little kids, empty pillowcases ready, were already present, along with three women all, Bruce was relieved to see, dressed in costumes.

A redheaded fairy princess stepped forward, smiling. "Hi, I'm Brenda. You must be Bruce."

"Yeah, I'm Bruce, and this Dick."

"Hi, Dick, how are you?" she asked in a sugary tone.

The little boy stared up at her through the eye holes in his plastic cowl. "Fine thank you. How are you?"

Brenda giggled. "Aren't you the cutest thing? And I _love_ your costumes."

Bruce shrank back inside his cloak, thankful it was wide enough to drape all the way around him. In contrast, Dick straightened up proudly and threw out his foam chest. "We're Batman."

Brenda giggled again, casting a sly glance at Bruce. "So I see. I want you to meet my daughter. Macy, honey," she called, "come here."

A little girl, with hair as bright as her mother's detached herself from the gaggle of children and ran over. When she stood next to them, it became apparent that her costume was supposed to match her mother's, although it sported some features the older woman's did not like a hole in the knee of her tights and a drooping wing.

"Oh honey, you're a mess!" Brenda moaned.

Macy ignored her, staring at Dick enviously. "Mom, he's got a Batman costume just like I wanted. How come I had to be a dumb fairy, anyway?"

"Now, Macy, you've got a lovely costume. This is Dick. He's going to go trick-or-treating with us."

"Hi," Macy said obediently. "Can you fight like Batman? I can. Watch." She hopped away and executed a series of violent chopping motions. "Hi-YA!" She finished with a high kick that produced an ominous ripping sound in her costume.

Dick watched critically. "That's not how Batman fights."

"Is so!"

"Is not. That's not even real karate."

"Is too!"

"Macy!" Brenda grabbed her daughter's arm and smiled tightly. "Excuse us." She dragged the girl away.

One of the other chaperones, this one dressed in a pink leotard and tights with fuzzy bunny ears on her head and a fluffy cottontail pinned over her well defined rear hopped over to them. She was holding a clipboard, and she made a show of running down her list. "You must be Bruce and Richard, because you're the only ones not checked off on my list…not that I wouldn't recognize you anyway." She winked coyly.

"So we're the last to get here?" Bruce asked politely, sighing inwardly. He had been hoping for some male moral support, preferably support dressed in a costume as ridiculous as his own.

"You certainly are. We'll start as soon as we get the kids lined up. I think I'll put you in the back with me, to help herd the stragglers." She winked again and hopped away.

The problem with slumming it, Bruce thought maliciously, was that middle class women not only read the tabloids but had an unnerving tendency to believe them. Obviously, the idea that wealthy playboys infallibly went for anything with cleavage and a short skirt was alive and well in the suburbs.

"Aha, the infamous Bruce Wayne."

Bruce grimly turned to meet the third chaperone, and was pleasantly surprised to find himself standing face to face with an old crone. She was dressed in a loose and baggy witch's costume, and the only bits of skin visible were around her eyes and nose and painted green. "The Wicked Witch of the West, I presume?"

"Naturally. My alias is Sarah Swann." She shook hands briskly, then addressed Dick. "Come with me, and I'll introduce you to my boys. They're the two-headed monsters – two monsters, four kids. You, I'm afraid," she glanced at Bruce, then over at the bunny who was trying to call everyone to attention, "are on your own." She grinned, revealing a mouthful of crooked, yellow teeth.

Bruce grimaced back. "May I recommend a good dentist?"

"Believe it or not, my husband claims he likes them this way." She started off and Dick, after an encouraging nudge from Bruce, followed her.

Eventually, they started off, the unruly group of twenty-three children led by the wicked witch, and herded around the sides by himself and the two other women. Dick was smack in the middle of the crowd, sandwiched between one of the gruesome two-headed monsters and Macy, both of whose wings were cocked at crazy angles, and who was chattering furiously at anyone within range.

They tromped around the neighborhood from creepily decorated house to house, until every kid's pillow case was heavily loaded. To Bruce's relief, he and the other chaperones were much too busy running crowd control to indulge in casual conversation, since every one of the twenty-three seemed to think it a completely original and hilarious idea to sneak away and hide behind a bush in order to jump out at their friends.

At last the only stop left on the list was Wayne Manor. Actually, Bruce hadn't even known it was on the list, until Sarah announced that since Dick's house was a little ways away, they were going to ride there. They rounded the corner and found three horse drawn wagons filled with hay. The horses were glowing an eerie green, and all of the drivers were dressed as ghosts. Bruce, biding his time, hopped at the last moment into the wagon that held neither the fairy nor the bunny.

There was a disruption in the group of kids huddled in the bottom, and a moment later, Dick settled himself beside Bruce. The part of the boy's face that the cowl didn't cover was smeared with chocolate, and he looked cheerful.

"Having a good time?" Bruce asked.

Dick nodded energetically. "You want some candy?"

"Sure, whatcha got?"

Two other boys suddenly crawled up beside him. "Hey, can you really do a hundred pushups without stopping?" one of them demanded.

"Ah, yeah," Bruce confessed, mentally kicking himself for not having discussed with his ward just what ought and ought not to be discussed outside the Manor. "Can you?"

"No. But my dad can do two hundred. He's in the marines," the boy boasted.

Dick seemed about to come to his guardian's defense, so Bruce hastily interjected, "That's awesome! How about you?" he asked the other boy.

"No. But _my_ dad can belch louder than anyone in the whole city! It sounds like an earthquake!"

Everyone was suitably impressed.

- - - - - -

Alfred had really done a great job with the front hall. It was dim and filled with various spectral and glowing objects – scary, but not _too _scary. The butler himself was done up magnificently in a purple turban and embroidered robe. "How come you get a cool costume?" Bruce muttered under his breath as he helped distribute the treats.

Alfred shoved another handful chocolate coins into a pillowcase and responded, "I felt it was suited to my years and station. Besides, your costume seems to be garnering a good deal of…appreciation."

Bruce looked up and met the bold gaze of the bunny, who was obviously and unashamedly checking out his spandex. He felt the sudden urge to become an Islamic transvestite.

It was as they filed back outdoors to the wagons that the trick-or-treat encountered its first major hitch.

"Macy!" her mother called urgently. "Macy, where are you?"

Twenty-three children had come in, but only twenty-two went out.

"Oh, Mr. Wayne, I'm afraid she's wandered away into your house." Brenda latched onto his arm, like she'd just fallen off the Titanic and he was a life raft. "We have to find her!"

"Uh, I'm sure Alfred…" Bruce began, trying to politely extricate himself from her grasp.

"Why don't I escort the wagons to the party, while you help locate the missing girl?" Alfred suggested, already on his way out the door.

_This is not what I pay you for_, Bruce thought furiously as the front door shut behind his erstwhile ally.

_To Be Continued (Arg!)_

**A/N **Apparently, I am incapable of writing a simple piece of fluff. Everything has to be an epic! Next update will definitely have more Dick in it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** Ta-da! Just in time for Halloween night. The eve has never looked so fluffy.

**Disclaimer** I don't own it, I don't own up to it.

**Blithering Bats, It's Halloween, Batman!**

**Part 3**

"I'm sure she can't have gone far," Bruce said hopefully. "Why don't we split up. You check the rooms around the kitchen, and I'll head down the hall."

"Oh no, I wouldn't feel right poking around your house by myself," Brenda protested, tightening her grip on his arm. "Besides, I might get lost, too!"

"We can't have that," Bruce muttered. "All right, if we move quickly, she won't be able to get too far away. With a quick move, he liberated himself and began striding down the first floor's main corridor, throwing open doors and calling Macy's name as he went.

Brenda hurried after him, forced to trot to keep up with his long strides. "Macy! Macy, honey, where are you?"

They reached the end of the corridor and the door to the pool room, which stood slightly open. "Ah, I think we may have found where she ended up," Bruce guessed, pushing the door wide open and walking into the moist air. The soft nighttime lights were on, and sweet green scents wafted from the conservatory end of things.

"Oh," gasped Brenda, "what a lovely room." She paused in the doorway to look around.

Bruce continued to the edge of the pool and scanned its perimeter. A petite pink fairy was balanced on the end of the diving board. When she saw him, she waved cheerfully. Bruce turned to call to Brenda, but discovered that she had already seen her daughter, and was hurrying toward him, her eyes fixed on the diving board. As she drew close to Bruce, she tripped (at least, he assumed he was supposed to construe it as a trip, although it was really more of a lunge) on a vector calculated to throw her into his arms.

A lifetime of Alfred's influence had ingrained Bruce with some manners. He did not step aside and let fall into the pool, but neither did he make any attempt to catch her. And so she fell face first, full force into his chest – and bounced back up, neatly rebounded by the foam rubber. Bruce looked down at his costume with new appreciation.

Brenda looked dazed. "I…I…"

A shriek cut her off, as Macy, who had been bouncing around on the end of the board, lost her balance and tumbled off. Brenda screamed as her daughter disappeared with a resounding splash.

Bruce immediately dove into the pool, but by the time he reached the spot, Macy had resurfaced and was dogpaddling furiously. "You all right?"

She grinned and spouted water like broken pipe. "That was fun!"

They swam together to the edge and climbed out. Brenda knelt anxiously in front of her daughter. "Are you all right?"

Macy rolled her eyes. "Of course. I know how to swim, Mom."

The older fairy's worry melted into a frown. "Macy Joy Jordan, how dare you run off like that! Don't you realize we've gone through a lot of trouble looking for you?"

Macy looked indignant. "But Mom, you _told_ me to."

Brenda gasped. "Macy Joy, I did no such thing!"

"Yes, you did! You said you thought it would be fun if I snuck off and ex…"

"Macy, not another word!" her mother desperately ordered.

Bruce kept his tone carefully neutral as he suggested, "Why don't you take one of my cars home, so that Macy can get dried off before the party." He called the garage from the poolside phone and escorted the dripping girl and her red-faced mother to the door. He shut it securely behind them, then leaned against the wood and laughed until his clammy, spandex-clad sides ached.

- - - - - -

Overall, Dick decided that he liked Halloween parties. They had done a number of interesting things like sticking their hands through holes in boxes to touch gross stuff and guess what it was, trying to catch apples floating in water with their teeth, and smacking a pumpkin-shaped piñata with a baseball bat.

They were split up into two teams, and each team had a scarecrow stuck up in a tree. The first person in the team was supposed to run to the tree, climb up into the tree and grab the hat off the scarecrow, then run back and give it to the next person in the team. That person had to go and put the hat back on the scarecrow. Sam and Erik, one of the pairs of twins dressed as a two-headed monster, were both on Dick's team.

"I saw the prize for the game," Sam whispered excitedly. "It's totally wicked. Candy hands that actually look real!"

"Cool," Dick agreed.

"We _have_ to win this one," Erik said firmly.

The teams lined up, and Dick ended up on the end. The boy across from him on the other team was older and a lot taller. "Ready to lose, little bat-boy?" he sneered.

Dick scowled up at him. "It's Bat-_man._ And we're not going to lose."

"With shrimp like you on the team? You guys are toast."

Just then, Sam and Erik's mom blew the whistle, and the first runners sprang forward. The teams were well divided, and the race stayed even until the end when Erik, the runner before Dick, tripped and fell. The big kid across from Dick tagged his teammates hand and took off running. "See you later bat-boy!" he called over his shoulder.

Erik finally made it back to the line, and Dick tagged his hand and took off, running as fast as he knew how. Ahead of him, he could see the other boy reach his tree, but instead of climbing up like the other kids had done, he tried to jump up and grab the scarecrow's hat. He missed, and fell hard onto the ground.

Dick turned his attention back to his own tree, which was coming up fast. He waited until the last possible second, and just before smashing face first into the trunk, he jumped shooting straight up into the air. He grabbed the branch and hoisted himself up to snatch the hat, then dropped and hit the ground running. He didn't know where the other boy was, but when he sprinted with the hat past the finish line (nearly bowling over a screaming Sam), his own team erupted in cheers.

Dick doubled over, gasping, "Did we win?"

"We won!" Erik screamed. "Dude, that was _awesome_!"

"Wicked cool," agreed Sam. "You're fast!"

"And he jumped so high! Did you see how high he jumped?"

Dick's grin practically brushed his earlobes. The way his teammates were slapping him on the back felt good – really good, but the best part was when he looked over and saw Bruce and Alfred standing next to Sam and Erik's mom. Bruce grinned and flashed him a double thumbs up. Dick locked his hands over his head in a gesture of triumph and let out a victory yell.

Later, Dick, Sam, and Erik were swapping loot underneath one of the scarecrow trees. Erik hated Tootsie Rolls, so he was giving them away for nothing, and Sam loved Butterfingers, and would trade on a five-to-one basis. Involved in negotiations, they didn't notice anyone approaching them until a tennis shoe descended on Dick's pile of candy.

"Hey, bat-boy," sneered the tall kid from the race.

"It's Batman," Dick snapped, "and get your stinky foot out of my candy."

The other boy just twisted his sneaker, grinding the treats into the ground. "Why don't you make me, bat-boy?"

Dick jumped to his feet, hands clenched. "Maybe I will!"

"You can try," the older boy sneered. "But I bet you can't. You're as worthless as that stupid Bruce Wayne. My dad says he's just a bum who likes to get drunk and burn…"

Whatever else his dad had said was lost in an oomph as Dick's foot slammed into his stomach. He sat down abruptly, his face a mask of pained surprised as he gasped for air. Dick grabbed his sweatshirt collar and jerked him close so that they were nose to nose. "If you ever say that again, I'll do more than kick you in the stomach, you lying creep." He shoved the older boy away and bent down to scoop his candy into his pillowcase. "Let's get out of here."

Sam and Erik gave him wide-eyed looks and obeyed. They were some ways away before Sam ventured, "You just beat up Rodney Rathbone."

"He's like…twelve," Erik added in an awed tone. "Dude…"

"…you rock."

Dick didn't say anything. He suddenly wanted to go home.

- - - - - -

Alfred deposited Dick in the bathtub and returned downstairs to find Bruce raiding the refrigerator. "I trust, sir, that there is some reasonable explanation for why you arrived at the party _sans_ costume and with your hair plastered to your head? The same reason, perhaps, that Miss Macy and her mother failed to put in an appearance at all?"

"Well, Macy fell in the pool and I jumped in after her."

"And that was why they didn't come to the party."

"Not exactly. After that, Miss Macy accidentally revealed that her mother had instructed her to run away from the group."

"I see."

"The woman literally _threw_ herself at me, Alfred. And she bou…" Bruce started laughing and could barely gasp out, "bounced right off…of that c-costume."

The butler's eyes gleamed. "Now that, I wish I could have seen."

Bruce abruptly stopped laughing and glared. "You could have, if you hadn't abandoned me in my hour of need."

"I had hoped that you were old enough to look out for yourself."

"Yeah, well, I'm just lucky I'm still in once piece. She was terrifying, Alfred, truly terrifying."

"It is Halloween."

Bruce snickered. "Alfred," he said, sobering, "did Dick seem a little quiet on the way home?"

"Yes, I noticed it too. I thought perhaps he was somewhat overwhelmed by the evening's festivities."

"That could be," Bruce agreed, then smiled again. "Hey, how about the way he won that race? Did you know he was that fast? He beat the crap out of that older kid."

"So he did," Alfred agreed, not bothering to conceal his pride.

Bruce glanced at his watch. "I should go. I'm afraid the rest of the evening won't be quite so…enjoyable."

Alfred nodded. Halloween night in Gotham City was no laughing matter.

Bruce headed for the doorway, but turned back as Alfred called, "Master Wayne? Where did you put your wet costume?"

Bruce assumed his most innocent expression. "What costume?"

"No costume at all, sir."

"Pennyworth, you do realize you're lucky I'm not docking your salary for this? Or suing you for psychological harassment?"

"I'm most grateful, sir."

"Goodnight, Alfred."

"Happy Halloween, Master Wayne."

_The End_

**A/N** Well, that wraps it up, only three times as many chapters as I thought there would be! I hope you all got a good giggle out of it.

Trick-or-treat,

Trick-or-treat,

Leave me comments kind and sweet!

(Pleeease.)

Happy Halloween!


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